Welcome to another season of the PLNFFFL! We had an incredible draft party with near-perfect attendance, save for the manager who tried to sneak four bottles of absinthe through airport security and was detained at the airport for hours, missing the draft (it was Kim).
The tone for this season was set from the onset, with defending champion Corey Brooker entering the draft wearing championship gold. He had originally hired a crew of Iranian actors to dress up as Persians and carry him in on a throne like Xerxes, but they backed out after ICE got wind of middle-eastern people planning a “spectacular display of Persian glory.”
With all that said, let’s go to the first power rankings of the season – fried chicken sandwich edition!
School Lunch Chicken Patties – What were you thinking?
Little Giants
You knew Jason wasn’t going to have a good draft when he freaked out that we were showing the first Youtube search result for “fantasy football sleepers” on the big screen five minutes before the draft. His entire draft strategy was laid out before everyone, and thirteen of us were smart enough to ignore “Joe Rogan'”s fantasy sleeper picks. Following the video’s instructions, Jason did indeed draft Sterling Shepherd. Obviously Kelce is a stud, but there’s little else to like about this team. Goff at the helm? Injured Seahawks wide receivers that no one’s heard of? And to top it all off, he drafted the Giants kicker, who will be lucky to have the opportunity to kick eight extra points all season long. Maybe next year, Jason will watch the first TWO youtube videos you get when you search fantasy football sleepers.
Thielen Myself
Bucs. Jaguars. Browns. Giants. Titans. These are the offenses from which Chris decided to draft his entire starting lineup (save Cooper Kupp who, while coming from a fantastic Rams offense, is also returning from a complete ACL tear). Fantasy players only score points when their real-life teams score points, and can you really trust the guys from such a bottom-of-the-barrel list of offenses? Half the roster is an injury ward, and unless Chris has some inside information from a friend in the sports medicine industry, he’s going to have to hit the waiver wire fast.
McDonald’s McChicken – Possibly worse than school lunch because you actually had a choice
Hagana’s Dream Team
First things first – Claudia is not to blame. She was left instructions, and she executed those instructions faithfully. Unfortunately, she may have been better off watching Youtube fantasy football experts with Jason rather than following Jake’s instructions, but hey, Claudia’s a good friend. The receivers on this team are fantastic, but how do you win without running backs? Tevin Coleman is locked in a three-way timeshare and Lamar Miller is one of the few running backs in the league who starts all 16 games, gets every single carry, and still not break 1,000 yards rushing. This team is loaded at receiver but needs serious running back help. Speaking of which…
Ice Ice Maybe
I had a rock-solid plan to go WR/RB/WR/RB in the first four rounds, everything went to shit when Corey took Hopkins and I decided I didn’t like DaVante Adams. After drafting three straight RBs, I ended up with Kenny Golladay and DJ Moore at receivers – two guys I’ve barely heard of. Carlyn ruined my plan of drafting Matt Ryan, and Tim stole my parachute when he took Emmanuel Sanders two rounds earlier than I thought he’d go. This team is in much better shape than Jake’s, but could certainly benefit from a nice, fair trade with Jake who’s locked in to start 0-4 unless he trades for a running back.
Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich – Killing it since I was in 7th grade, but now middle of the pack
Green Wave
Corey’s been brilliant in the past so he’s earned the benefit of the doubt, but like Wendy’s Spicy Chicken Sandwich, this long-time king may have been left behind by newer competition. He ignored RB until round 4, which is why he’s starting Josh Jacobs and Miles Sanders, and made another crucial mistake in Round 7 by further ignoring RB to draft a stud WR… who may not even play this season. This old man continued to do old-man-things, filling out his team with Tom Brady and Adrian Peterson. That 2015 Draft Guide may have served Corey well for years, but maybe pick up a new edition next year?
Just Beat Kim
New league-member Tim came in with a solid RB/WR/RB/WR start to his draft. The Bell pick should make anyone nervous, but we know this guy travels to training camps to do first-hand research – maybe Tim saw something in the Jets’ offense/offensive line that no one else knows about? Baker Mayfield in R5 also seems like a reach… but again, what has this guy seen on the road? I do think this is Julio’s year – no one can get that unlucky near the end zone for that many years in a row.
Mystery Mom-and-Pop Restaurant Fried Chicken Sandwich
It’s Millertime
I’m sticking Carlyn’s team right in the middle in its own category, but there’s no middle-ground at all with this team. With Ezekiel Elliott and Melvin Gordon as her first two picks, lawyers and agents have more control over the future of this team than anything that happens on a football field. Either these contracts get worked out and she has the best team in the league, or the star running backs do exactly what Le’Veon Bell did last year, and this team is dead in the water. I had both players on my “DO NOT DRAFT AT ALL COST” list, but it should be fun to see whether this gamble pays off.
Chik-Fil-A – Undeniably Good but Morally Compromised
No Punt Intended
The less-risky version of Carlyn’s team, Rob also decided to start his draft with two star running backs with RB1 potential but serious risk. Why didn’t Gurley play in the Superbowl? You’re really going to blame arthritis? Brandin Cooks and Robby Anderson are great, non-flashy receivers who get the job done, and Russ has been a consistent top QB for years with much worse O-lines in the past. Rob put together a solid squad before throwing his morals away to draft Kareem Hunt in the 9th.
The
Former champion Matt Merin knows exactly what it takes to win, and morals ain’t got nothing to do with it. Michael Thomas, Tyreek Hill, and Stefon Diggs are a terrifying WR squad, and as long as Tyreek can keep his hands off of women, they could easily make up for the fact that Matt doesn’t have a single starting running back on his entire team. But look a little deeper, and his strategy becomes clear – with a solid bench filled with backup running backs, Matt will be ruthlessly rooting for injuries to starting running backs all season long.
Federal Donuts – Fancy Pants Bougie Chicken Sandwich That’s Really Really Good
And Now in 1st Place
Hey look, Kait finally showed up! And she showed up in a big way. This is how old-school fantasy drafting is done – take two big-time RBs, follow up with the next three best receivers you can get, and ignore those TE/QB things. Round 6 seems a little early for Cam Newton, and Round 8 was WAY too early for a stupid kicker, but anyone who can make it to round 8 before his/her first mistake is going to have a solid team.
I Gotta Thielen
For a team that weirdly drafted two QBs in the first seven rounds, this team is way better than you’d expect. Thielen and Juju could easily both finish in the top 5 at their position, and Ekeler looks more and more likely to start the season as the Chargers starting running back. Thank god for the rest of the league that she wasted at least one early pick on a QB, because this team could have been much, much better.
The Cooler Kim
Kim definitely gambled taking Mahomes and Kittle early, but it looks like it paid off as she filled out her roster with solid players in the middle rounds – these are the kind of chances you can take when you lock up Kamara as your RB1. She’s playing with a chip on her shoulder this year, furious about Amy Wax’s recent comments: “I’ve never seen a woman win a fantasy football championship, and rarely do they ever make the playoffs.” Even before being enraged by that quote, she had plenty of incentive to win this year with her new colleague joining the league.
Popeyes’ Fried Chicken Sandwich – Best of the Best
Disclaimer – I actually haven’t had this sandwich yet, but my sources are saying it’s INSANELY good.
ian’s team
“Oh, don’t mind me, I’m just an accountant. I’m not even trying hard enough to capitalize my team name. Wait, team name? I’ll just leave the yahoo default name up there. I’m not even really trying guys.”
Look at this new Keyser-Soze motherfucker try to sneak into our league and steal a championship without anyone looking. Ian took some gambles for sure, but for all his antics, Antonio Brown is still the best wide receiver in the league, and as long as he can find a helmet, he should be the stud that he always is. David Johnson is just a few years removed from being a monster RB who can threaten 1k yards on the ground with another 1k yards through the air, and Chris Carson is the real “sleeper” that non-Joe-Rogan experts were talking up all summer long.
1st Place Cameo
Can the worst manager in the league last year really flip the script and win a championship the next year? Even despite the fact that he picked OJ Howard with his 2nd round pick while Kittle and Ertz were still available, this team is stacked top to bottom. Ridley and Allen are two sneaky-good receivers, and James White could easily be Tom Brady’s second-favorite target this year after Edelman. Kyler Murray’s a bit of a puzzling pick, as rookie quarterbacks tend not to overcome terrible offensive lines, but QB may be the easiest position to replace mid-season.
Penn Law Non-FSS Fantasy Football League 